Martens family
Tell us a bit about your family
Just after we got married, we moved out of Sydney to near Kiama on the South Coast of NSW because we wanted to be closer to the river and the beach, but still not too far away from family. Kathryn is self-employed – as a coach and consultant for Neurodivergent Leaders, and Jeremy is changing careers and studying Urban Planning. We have been able to work around the needs of the kids and participate in church at different times and in different ways. Our favourite things to do together as a family are camping, bushwalks and family movie nights.
Tell us a bit about your children
From the moment James was born, we knew he wasn’t like the other babies. He just kept crying and wouldn’t stop. As he grew, he didn’t behave the same as the other kids. It wasn’t until he was 4, though, that he finally got his ADHD diagnosis, and later when he was 6 years old, his Autism was also confirmed.
In many ways, eventually getting a diagnosis has helped us a lot – in adjusting our expectations of ourselves, and of him, and in seeking the government support we so desperately needed. Now, I readily tell his teachers and others, as the diagnoses help them too. Having said that, we do not let these diagnoses become his identity. To us, he is our beloved boy, a gift from God, and first and foremost, God’s child.
When Sara came along, she just had to fit in with a family life that was very focused on James. Over time, though, we realised that she too had her own challenges. She was 6 when she got her ADHD diagnosis too. As a girl, it shows itself differently, but is nevertheless, very real for her. Our kids are very loud, active and emotionally volatile. It’s exhausting most days just getting them to focus on basic life tasks, and they fight with each other a lot. Our approach is to try and focus on their strengths. James is funny, full of stories and loves technology. Sara is very creative, loves digging in the garden, singing, and creating presentations on Canva.
Because we know the kids get a lot of negative attention which can be damaging to their self-esteem over time, we are careful to find ways we can affirm them. We give them loads of affection and remind them of our love, and God’s love for them every day.
What are some of the joys of parenting children with additional needs?
Kathryn: I delight in being a mum. I waited a long time to have children as I married at 40 and had many fertility issues. James is our miracle as he was conceived straight after a healing prayer retreat. His extra challenges mean we celebrate even the smallest achievements that many would take for granted. For example, when he chooses to walk away when he feels upset so he can calm himself, or when he eats a new food – we are so proud of him. I am also aware that having James has meant I have connected with the school community in more ways than we probably would have otherwise. The school counsellor, learning support teacher, principal, and the front office staff all know us now! Life is never boring in our house! They keep us on our toes, keep us always learning and advocating.
Jeremy: James has a unique perspective on the world, and a voracious appetite for information. You always know exactly how he feels about a day, a food or a particular activity that we want to do! Some days, when I am at the end of my tether, he suddenly runs up and hugs me and tells me “I love you daddy.” This was a long time coming, and I can’t ever hear it enough. But I do also have to remember in those times to ‘just be in the moment’ so that I “hear it” and “feel it”.
What are some of the challenges that you have faced while parenting children with additional needs?
Kathryn: James is a smart boy, but has great difficulty regulating his emotions, controlling his impulses, and understanding or responding appropriately to his own and others’ feelings and needs. He is usually so caught up in his own world that it’s hard for him to take instruction or direction. This affects every part of every day – from getting ready in the morning, mealtimes, making friends, learning at school, etc. Wanting to be the best parent I could, I read books, subscribed to podcasts, and did parenting courses. From “positive parenting” to “attachment theory”, I just wanted to love on my child and thought if I just showed him enough love, everything would sort itself out. Though all these were helpful, they weren’t enough. It soon became very clear he needed more than what other kids did, and even my intense love for him was not enough to help him calm and thrive. Consequently, I started immersing him in every early intervention therapy I could, such as OT, physio, speech therapy and seeing a psychologist. No surprise looking back that I exhausted myself year after year running from here to there, seeking out the latest and greatest therapies for him – even driving to Sydney and back four hours per day at times. By the time he was five, I started to realise that no matter how much therapy he gets, he just isn’t like the majority of other kids. I slowly started adjusting my mindset to one of acceptance and embracing him just the way he is.
All of that learning and change in my mindset, helped Sara too when she came along. I am a great believer in ‘playing to your strengths’, which aligns well with the idea that God has gifted us all in different ways. So now, although we still do some therapies, we also look for outlets for the kids to enjoy and and that they're good at – things they can succeed in and that build their confidence. James has tried horse riding, music, art lessons, robotics and chess, but these haven’t been “it”. Currently he loves reading, gaming and is giving karate a go. Sara loves learning music, riding her bike, and digging in the sand at the beach. I want to allow them the freedom to be who God intended them to be.
Jeremy: It is so easy to compare our family to others who don’t have neurodivergent kids, but it’s not fair to our journey. I also have to remember to ‘not just acquiesce’ to James’ demands and requirements, but to remember the other members of the family too. We have particularly had to work hard at making sure we do special things with and for Sara as well, as she was often dragged around with James to all of his appointments and can often feel neglected. Another challenge is that there have been a number of times that I have wanted to do a special activity with James, and he’s lost interest quite quickly, which has been disheartening. Recently we’ve found that we enjoy playing pool together; I’m glad to have found that, and hoping it lasts at least a little longer.
I enjoy talking with other fathers & mothers of neurospicy kids. Every kid is unique with different challenges requiring different supports. In Proverbs 22:6 (NIV), we read, "start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it." At face value, this seems to say “train your children in the righteous way,” but in exploring the literal Hebrew behind this translation [1], we can end up with something like "train a child in the way appropriate for him” (ISV) [2]. This speaks to me about the need for an individual path for each of our children, and that we get to participate with God in helping them to find their way.
How has your faith been stretched or grown on your parenting journey?
Kathryn: Seeing the kids grow in their faith and love of Jesus, certainly encourages me in mine too. There was a season when we weren’t going regularly to a formal church, so we had our own “family church” at home. One day, at about 7 years old, Sara wanted to run the ‘service’, and chose to create a whole work-sheet for us on God’s creation and love. It was so encouraging and faith-stimulating.
We have had to work through some deep disappointment in the church constructs that haven’t fit our kids. It was just easier to stay away from church for a while, but that wasn’t the answer either. Now they are a bit older, we’ve managed to re-join community and fellowship together with others at church again.
Seeing how much James struggles every day in a world that’s more difficult for him than others, pushes me to keep praying for him. I know the Lord accepts him just the way he is, and is with him every day as he overcomes one challenge at a time. God sees and knows the anxiety James feels every day and is there with him in it.
Personally, my own healing has also been an answer to prayer. The Lord has had to put me back together a few times already after the stress and burnout took me to the edge of despair. I am learning more and more how to rely on His strength, look to Him for wisdom and provision, and to be my friend along the journey. No matter how traumatising it can be at times, Jesus is always there with me.
Jeremy: I have really struggled with a desire to follow either the “healed in Jesus’s name! The Bible tells me so,” or “God made him this way” mantras. I have settled in a place for now where though I do not believe that James was designed by God to struggle with the weaknesses of what we call ADHD or ASD, there is great value and beauty in how he approaches the world. In those rare moments that he has been settled, he has been very thoughtful and caring of others. I am excited about what he may find himself doing one day, but even more excited when he is willing to taste a new or unusual ‘healthier’ food. He has shared with me that he struggles with the idea of God and a relationship with Him, but then one day he told me that he makes up words to a instrumental songs, singing to God - so something is clearly going in!
This year James started at a church youth group. After some false starts, he joined in a karaoke event they had and afterwards said he felt he could do that at the youth group because he didn’t feel judged by the other kids there like he does at school. That is so precious!
Do you have any words of encouragement to share with other families of children with additional needs?
Seek support! It is so isolating when your child doesn’t play well with the other kids and you feel it’s just easier to stay home with them. Reach out to government services, neighbours, and church friends. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, or for a friend to listen over a cuppa. Join or start a support group of other parents with kids who have a similar condition. If you need mental health support, see your GP for a Mental Health Plan for counselling and/or medication.
Lower expectations of how much else you can do on top of being a carer. For example, work, volunteering and church commitments often just have to be let go, and that’s okay for a season. Right now, your child needs you. You are the best support for them. Your ‘ministry’ to your children is your most important role.
Respite! It may only be an hour here or there at first until you find alternative carers who can take them for longer, but make sure you take breaks! Whether it be long walks on the beach, a massage, a prayer retreat, or a coffee with a friend, take the time to recharge yourself regularly.
Men: Remember to spend quality time with your spouse. You need to be ‘in this together’. Squeeze in a sneaky coffee or lunch during your work day. Go the extra mile to find a babysitter and book them regularly, even if it’s only for after the kids have gone to bed. Just 15 minutes and a gelato out together (because you are both super exhausted and want to go back home to bed) can make the world of difference. Find some supportive men who can listen without trying to ‘fix’ your situation. Often our friends don’t know how to be supportive and can end up minimising our challenges, so I’ve (Jeremy) found a local “Men’s Table” group to be very helpful for my emotional resilience.
You’ve got this! You have Jesus with you, strengthening you. He says “I will never leave you or forsake you!” (Joshua 1:5). He can and does bring hope and support when it feels like everyone has abandoned you.
How can the wider church support your family?
When we come to church, don’t expect us to fit into the routines and expectations of the other families. Our boy may look just like other boys on the outside, but he is like no other boy you’ve ever met. When he is acting out, take the time to get to know him, and don’t judge him as “naughty” or “making bad choices”. Instead, ask the questions: “What is making him behave this way?”, “What is the unmet need right now that is making him do that?”, “What is he worried about?” and “How can I help him?”
Allow him room to move! He won’t sit down for long, so don’t expect him to.
Offer respite help! We could really do with a break from our boy sometimes. Can you take the kids to the park for a couple of hours? Or a whole day?
Understand our desire to be involved in ministry and/or help out on a Sunday may not be able to be realised as it’s just not practical with our son. Don’t judge this as disinterest or lack of commitment. Help us look for ways we can still be involved, for example, coordinating prayer needs remotely from home.
Most of all, join us in simply walking through life. Don’t avoid us because we are more bound to the house or because our home is loud and chaotic most of the time. Be our friends, come over for a cuppa, and stay connected through relationship. Join us in the mess of it all.
Where are you based?
Kiama, South Coast of NSW
References:
[1] https://www.blueletterbible.org/comm/guzik_david/study-guide/proverbs/proverbs-22.cfm?a=650006
[2] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=prov%2022:6&version=ISV
The views and opinions expressed on this site are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official position of The 139 Collective. As a collective, we seek to humbly learn from each other’s experiences and remember the unity that we share in Christ even when our current viewpoints on the difficult topic of disability differ.
